I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
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Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
also my go-to takeaway order
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?