Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
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ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not