The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
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My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*