If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
You Might Also Like
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit