My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?