the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
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If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant