Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
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Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him