Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
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I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.