I drew y’all a little something.
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
😲 WTF? 😆
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.