Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
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terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
bears
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.