Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
You Might Also Like
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Shark week, but for squirrels.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”