When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
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Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.