Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
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My what?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.