WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
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Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
me hitting on a model
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
next question.