If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
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Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed