Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
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Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
The Book. The Movie.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
August 8
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.