[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
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So, can we agree on 4 or
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”