Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
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Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name