Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
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A collection of me turning into random objects.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.