the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
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I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.