spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
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*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume