A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
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Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
The funk soul brother
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying