“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
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My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available