My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
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A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)