Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
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The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*