Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
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Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.