Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
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My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣