Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
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sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I will never stop laughing at this
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier