Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
You Might Also Like
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
oh my god
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”