it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
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I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.