[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
You Might Also Like
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.