Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
You Might Also Like
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
12653.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.