St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine