I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
You Might Also Like
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.