Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
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Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..