Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
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Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.