If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
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okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.