My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
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The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys