I’m so full I could puke a horse
You Might Also Like
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Bike for sale
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.