“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
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Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Oh we’ve met.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?