Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
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Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
mumsnet is amazing
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*