[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
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I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.