Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
You Might Also Like
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia