Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
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Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.