My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
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My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
#catsoftwitter
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank