Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
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Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.