The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
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Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds