[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
You Might Also Like
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword