I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
You Might Also Like
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?