[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
You Might Also Like
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Welcome
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?